The Wasteland

So, in case you were wondering what’s in eastern Montana, it’s nothing. The answer is nothing. Well, actually the answer is “giant fiberglass animals.” They’ve got two or three of those. Just not any food. We better make sure we stock up on snacks/lunch food in Bismarck and get ready to have a picnic, because holy crap, the emptiness.

Billings, MT

The situation improves about five hours from Bismarck, in Billings. If we get out of Bismarck early, this could be a good spot for lunch. If we leave later, it could do for dinner. Regardless, if the tide lands us there, here are the options.

The Burger Dive - The veggie burgers, standard meat burgers, fries, and onion rings are raved about all over Yelp. Also...garlic fries. How can that be anything but awesome?

Harper and Madison - If this place is open when we get there, I’m gonna need some cupcakes. They look amaaaaaaazing.

The Fieldhouse Cafe - All kinds of interesting vegetarian options here, including Veggie Tacos and Fried Brussels Sprouts. Local and organic too, which is cool.

Columbus, MT

Just a little ways past Billings is the slightly-more-than-100 year old New Atlas Bar, home to all kinds of wacky taxidermy. We’ll have a long ways yet to go to get to Butte and probably can’t stop here, but it still looks super neat.

Butte, MT

Our driving day comes to an end in Butte, Montana. Something I did not know: apparently Cornish Pasties are a big deal there. I feel like if that’s the local “thing” we should give it a shot.

Truzzolino Tamales - In addition to their tamales, they do a brisk and competitive pasty business.

Nancy’s Pasty Shop - A tiny place with like 8 chairs that are apparently almost always filled.

Bonanza Freeze - If we’re not feeling the pasty thing, though, this “old-fashioned ice cream shop” serves burgers and fries and all the other classics.

Headframe Spirits - Their cocktails sound delicious. Lavender Lemondrop? Christmas Cookie? I’m all about this.

The Hummingbird Cafe - Might be good for breakfast on our way out in the morning.

My god, my god, why have you forsaken me?

I just booked my flight for the trip back.

I will leave Portland at 6:00 p.m.

I will arrive in Phoenix at 8:30 p.m.

I will depart Phoenix at 11:35 p.m.

I will arrive in Charlotte at 6:24 a.m.

I will depart Charlotte at 9:23 a.m.

I will arrive in at Dulles at 10:40 a.m.


This bitch had better know I love her.

Where the Buffalo Roam

Day three will begin in the magical wonderland of Wisconsin Dells. From there, we begin a long, long day of driving - all the way clear to Bismarck, North Dakota. There's also not a whole lot going on in North Dakota. Our attractions are further apart, interesting food is harder to come by, and there's a whole lot of big flat nothing. It's basically the Nebraska of the far north.

It's not entirely without promise, though! And so, here we go with the food of the northern middle of the country.

Warrens, WI

There is really only one thing in Warrens, WI: The Cranberry Discovery Center. Cranberry Wine! Cranberry muffins! Cranberry bread! Cranberry ice cream! Cranberry salsa! Cranberry coffee! ALL THE CRANBERRIES!

Minneapolis, MN

I’ll have to ask Megs about this one, since she lived most of her life there. Some ideas before consulting with her, though:

Quang Restaurant - Vietnamese food, which visitors say is both speedy and inexpensive.

And apparently Minneapolis is as nuts for food trucks as DC is. Hola Arepa, Chef Shack, Get Sauced, and Gai Gai Thai all look pretty awesome. If I can find out where one locates a food truck rodeo in Minneapolis, we just might have to hit that up.

Fergus Falls, MN

It’s got a forty foot otter and a giant goose, and that is reason enough to stop in and stretch our legs. While we’re in the neighborhood, we can eat at:

Cafe 116 - Everybody loves their locally sourced food and coffee except for this one random hater. Since Yelp is full of haters who are, as they say, gonna hate, this person does not concern me.

Dairyland Drive-In - I love a drive-in, and even if I didn’t, they would’ve had me at “homemade onion rings.”

Fargo, ND

Nothing I can find in Fargo is really looking all that interesting. Does anybody have any North Dakota food secrets? If so, lemme know.

Bismarck, ND

Blarney Stone Pub - If we’re crashing in Bismarck for the night, we’re obviously going to need a bar. I don’t know if this one has karaoke, but it does have sweet potato fries.

Fireflour Pizza - Reviewers claim the pizza is amazing, and all the negative comments seem to be whining about service/lack of delivery. Also, it’s called Fireflour, and that’s awesome.

Toasted Frog - Okay, so speaking of awesome names. And the menu, my god! Fried pickles? Lamb burger? Pheasant melt? Pheasant melt! Sign me up.

Dairyland, USA

Day Two, at least in theory, should be starting off in Toledo and landing in the heart of Wisconsin for the night. My continuing look at potential food along the way follows.

Elkhart, IN

Two hours into our drive, we reach Elkhart, IN, home of the RV Museum and Hall of Fame. If we feel the need to check it out, we can also grab food at one of these joints.

Miles Lab - a burger joint with excellent sweet potato fries, themed around Miles Laboratories, a pharmaceutical company originally headquartered in Elkhart.

Simonton Lake Drive-In - a traditional drive-in with Ordermatic menu and speakerbox. The root beer is repeatedly described as amazing, and though I’m not a root beer fan, I have a feeling some of my traveling companions may be. For me, there are onion rings.

Ricky’s Taqueria - Online reviewers say it’s delicious, flavorful, and cheap. All these things are my friends.

LaPorte, IN

If we hold out another hour for the La Porte Historical Society Museum and a look into the life of Belle “Husband Killer” Gunness, then we have these eatery options.

Spire Farm to Fork - Big city chef comes out to NW Indiana and opens a restaurant featuring locally sourced ingredients. Will it be quirky and fun or fussy and pretentious? Find out next on the Travel Channel.

Mucho Mas! - Apparently tons of food which is all delicious, and Mexican food usually makes for easy feeding of the vegetarian contingent.

Northside BBQ - They call the owner “The Meat Nazi.” Word is that he’s evil, but his ribs and brisket are incredible. This sounds exciting.

Gary, IN

Great Lakes Cafe - located at the entrance to a steel mill, everyone on Yelp describes this cafe as having not only delicious food, but an incredibly friendly staff and atmosphere. If we happen to be hungry in Gary, I want to stop here.

Chicago, IL

Obviously there are tons of amazing opportunities in Chicago. It’s a huge city with a rich and varied food history. I actually know some locals here, though, so should we end up hungry here, I’ll ask around.

Rockford, IL

A League of Their Own is one of my favorite movies of all time, and thus I really want to stop in at the home of the Peaches. If I can convince my traveling companions that it’s a good idea, here are some places we can eat.

Dandy Donuts - the donuts, they say, are dandy.

Sugarjones - I love a good bakery, and I extra love the name.

Janesville, WI

Should we feel the need to visit Bessie the Giant Fiberglass Cow or the two-story outhouse that Abraham Lincoln himself may have pooped in, we can also grab some food while we’re in town.

Culver’s - This is by far the best fast food I have ever put in my mouth. I had never been to a Culver’s until Jamie took me there when I went to visit her in Wisconsin, and oh my stars is it amazing.  

Basics Co-op Natural Foods - The last time I took a chance and got food at a co-op, it turned out awesome. There are also good reports of their sushi.

Wisconsin Dells, WI

We land for the night in Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin’s very own epic and amazing tourist trap. I’ll be asking Jamie what’s up around there of course, as she’s a local (and I know there’s another Culver’s there). Without consulting with her, however, there is one place that I know I want to visit:

Kernel Popcorn Factory - Well-known fact amongst all my friends: I love popcorn. Love it. Even the Christmas I worked in a gourmet popcorn shop, surrounded constantly by the smell of popcorn, I still loved popcorn. I will be going to this place and making the car smell like popcorn for all of Day Three.

Cities of Steel and Glass

My Grandpa Mike was an amazing guy.

He was the third of four kids, the child of Slovak immigrants. He grew up in Pennsylvania and Ohio and didn't learn to speak English until he started school, but Cleveland was the only accent you'd ever hear on his voice. When he was 17, he lied about his age to join the Army Air Corps at the tail end of WWII without his mother's permission--and then he stayed in for 23 years, watching the AAC turn into the Air Force and going everyplace the Strategic Air Command could send you. He taught me to jitterbug, use a radial arm saw, and set a fire in a charcoal grill--and he taught me the joys of eating local.

"Ask the locals where they eat," he'd always say. "That's where you want to go."

He'd been doing it for years, fearlessly. He had every kind of sausage Germany had to offer when he was stationed there in the early 1950s. He knew how to say "Two beers, please" in thirteen different languages, because no way was he going to be one of those boring assholes who just stayed on post all the time because oh no, they might have to eat something weird. I was equal parts thrilled and horrified as a child by his story of eating bugs (bugs!) somewhere in the South Pacific. I went with him to every seafood restaurant in Carteret, Onslow, Jones, and Craven County - some amazing, some terrible, but never a big chain, because that would be cheating.

Grandpa and me, August of 1983.

I lost my grandpa in 2006, and I think about him a lot. Any time I fry up some seafood or build something or swing dance, he's somewhere in my head--and of course I started thinking of him as soon as I started my search for good local food on the trip. I know he would have just rolled into town and asked somebody in a grocery store where the best place to eat was, but he was way cooler than me. Grandpa never met a stranger and he could make friendly conversation with pretty much anyone. He would not only eat local, but probably have a dozen new friends by the time he left town. Lucky for me, I have the Internet. With a little help from Yelp; Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives; and Man vs. Food, I can eat the Grandpa Way without having to talk to unnecessary strangers. I like to think he'd approve, even if I don't have penpals across America by the time I get to Portland.

So without further ado...

Take it on the Run, Baby: Food Possibilities on Day One

Pittsburgh, PA

Pittsburgh will pop up approximately 3 hours into our drive. If we leave when I think we’ll probably leave (because I’m pretty sure I’m the only Morning Person on this trip), that’ll probably be around lunchtime.

Spice Island Tea House - I’ve never been to a tea house. That just seems cool.

Los Cabos SoCal Mex Food - The rice and beans are vegan, which Snarks will be into. The rest of it is not, which I am into.

Point Brugge Cafe - Belgian food. Which means there are frites, and I am all about the frites.

Nadine's - Atmosphere is reportedly dive-y, but I kind of dig dives.

Big Jim’s - This place has gloriously mixed reviews. It’s either awesome or terrible depending on who you ask, and I sort of want to go order a calzone and find out which it is.

Primanti Bros. Restaurant - Home of some epic-looking sandwiches.

Clearfield, PA

Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub  - Home of the World’s Largest Burgers. One of them is fifteen pounds, for heaven’s sake.

DuBois, PA

Dr. Doolittle’s Roadside Cafe and Creamery - Because it’s about time someone told the truth about the Amish, Bigfoot, and the dinosaurs.

Clarion, PA

This town is home to a large cow statue. I’m not sure there’s much purpose in stopping here, but just in case...

The County Seat Diner - They had me at “M&M Pancakes”

Toby Hill Bar and Grill - I love bar food. Reviewers claim this place has the best wings ever, and $1 drafts! $1!

Daddy’s Main St. - All made fresh with a daily-changing menu.

Strongsville, OH

My grandpa actually grew up in this suburb of Cleveland. It’s right on our path through Ohio, so maybe we’ll drop in. I feel like i should look for Slovak food around here, but...okay, truth be told, I’m not actually a huge fan of most Slovak food. Really I just want a Slovak bakery. Love me some roshky; not so much for halushky.

Sweet Mango Thai Cuisine - I can always get down on some Pad Thai

The Brew Kettle - Looks like a nice variety of pub grub.

La Kabob Lebanese Grill - I’m also always up for a kabob of virtually any kind, especially when pita is involved.

Donut Scene - An entire scene of nothing but donuts? Oh hell yes.

Toledo, OH

I cannot hear of Toledo, OH without thinking of Klinger from MASH. I realize I’m too young to be a MASH fan, but it used to come on between Animaniacs and Star Trek: TNG when I was a kid. Anyway, as such, I automatically want to eat at Beirut.

Grumpy’s - A sandwich shop, but apparently one with incredible character and delicious food.

Beirut - Lebanese! And the hummus is reportedly to die for.

Ottawa Tavern - If we’re crashing in Toledo, we’re gonna need a bar. This one’s atmosphere is described as “hipster” but reviews also say they have the best bar food in town.

Breaking the trip

After some discussion and weighing of options, we've settled on the northern route. It has the highest quantity of ridiculous things to do and see, and we all agree that Nebraska is boring. (Sorry Nebraska. I'm sure you're a lovely place to live, but you look like hell to drive through.)

So, assuming the rest of Team America: Road Police agrees, I'm thinking we break the trip up as follows:

Day One: Leesburg, VA to Toledo, OH
(approximately 7 hours driving time)

Day Two: Toledo, OH to Wisconsin Dells, WI
(approximately 7 hours driving time)

Day Three: Wisconsin Dells, WI to Bismarck, ND
(approximately 9 hours driving time)

Day Four: Bismarck, ND to Butte, MT
(approximately 9 hours driving time)

Day Five: Butte, MT to Portland, OR
(approximately 10 hours driving time)

Ordinarily, I think I would try to front-load the driving time and take longer in the earlier days, before we get tired of driving. However, Jamie and a bunch of wacky attractions are in Wisconsin Dells, so I want to hit there when we can actually spend a little bit of time. This also puts our longest haul on the day when we will be "home" - which means guaranteed place to stay, food to eat, etc. As long as we get up early in Butte, we can be in Portland in time for dinner.

Pack Light

"Well, at least you packed light!"

That is the phrase I hear every time someone sees my luggage for the first time. They are invariably being sarcastic.

I'm the sort of person who loathes being unprepared because I loathe being uncomfortable. I can handle outright pain, but being uncomfortable (whether physically or socially) is just the worst. I can embrace abject misery, take a sort of masochistic joy in it. "Yes," I tell myself, "everything about this is terrible. This blistering heat and that person unjustly yelling at me and the horrible stabbing of my broken ankle are awful. I will dine out on this story for years."

Discomfort gives me none of the satisfaction of having endured suffering or telling the elaborate tale of said suffering. No one leads off at a party with, "I have to tell you about the time my shoe rubbed a blister on my heel and I had to listen to country radio for a whole half hour." No one looks back at the time she was bitten by at least three separate mosquitoes while being underdressed for the company and thinks, "Ah, what a worthy foe I have overcome." There's no fun in discomfort like there can be in pain.

The best way to avoid discomfort while away from home is to be relentlessly, perfectly prepared. That requires a lot of things, and they do not all fit into one bag the size of a border collie. Emergency snacks of both the sweet and salty variety. Clothes and shoes for entering nice restaurants with one's head held high. Clothes and shoes for hiking over rough terrain, should adventure be called for. Tops for every kind of weather. Regular clothes. Extra underwear. Umbrella. Caffeine. The beloved flannel blanket I've slept with in some variation since I was a tiny little girl. Music player, phone, laptop, and associated chargers. Pajamas for too-cold or too-warm hotel rooms. Makeup for every day. Makeup in case I need to look cool. A detailed plan for every day (with spontaneity scheduled in). Directions. Maps. Reading material. Nail clippers. I may not need all of these things, but I might need some of them, and what if I decide not to pack them and then I do need them? I could end up uncomfortable, and I hate that.

My boyfriend, Zach, will leave town for a week with his friends carrying three t-shirts, three pairs of boxers, two pairs of socks, and no soap or toothbrush because, and I quote, "I'm not trying to have sex with any of them." He can be comfortable nearly anywhere. My father is like that, too - more dedicated to brushing his teeth than Zach is, but he can fall in with a group of people and never once worry about what they think of him. It seems to come from a kind of fearlessness, a general confidence that yes, what I am doing is right and proper and should some silly person decide to judge me for that it will affect me not at all.

I'm going to try to capture a little of that spirit on the adventure. Some things (snacks and my blanket, for instance) are non-negotiable. But I can take a little less makeup this time, and maybe the laptop can stay home. I can take just one jacket, and don't worry about if it matches the outfit or not. Trust that everything's going to work out. Pack light.

...but I'm still going to plan the shit out of it. My trust only goes so far.

The last bout

Today, Kate (AKA Snarky Brewster) and I are playing our last bout together.

Actually, she's bench-coaching. She wrecked her shoulder at a mixer three months ago and she's been off skates ever since.

Snarky and Mr. Brewster, kickin' it at the ED.

I remember when I first started with NOVA Roller Derby. I barely knew Snarky then - she was just the sister-in-law of my band's bass player. I'd been off skates for two years at that point, too busy and broke to keep up the habit while I was finishing graduate school. Though she could barely skate at all, she joined NRD before I did. She heard from Emily that I used to play derby, and so she convinced me to come out to a practice.

I was nervous. I hadn't skated in a couple years, and I didn't know that the league had only been together for a few months. For all I knew, they were all awesome and I was going to look like an idiot. As it turned out, I was fine.

The first practice I skated with NOVA was at an outdoor hockey rink that was only slightly less crappy than the one my league back home had skated on. As I started getting my wheels back under me, I did a few laps with Snarky. She promptly fell and, in a wild attempt to catch herself, grabbed my boobs. Both of them. At once.

Derby has always been a major part of our relationship. We talk about lineups, bicker about league policy issues, and gossip about derby people (and to whoever's reading this going "gossip is bad! it's toxic to leagues! you're a terrible derby girl!": don't even act like you don't do it, too. Tell me you don't gossip with at least one close friend, and I will call you a liar right to your face.) We talk strategy, bout makeup, sports bras, "to Spanx or not to Spanx," and go out to win the after party.

Derby will probably be where I miss Snarks the most. I have other friends there, other good friends, even, but as much as I love them, there's nobody quite like her. All the gossip will be going one way now, from me to her, and anybody she talks to me about will be somebody new who I don't know. She won't know this next Fresh Meat class; soon I won't be able to run lineups by her anymore, because she won't know the players. On the up side, however, since she won't be affected by league policy issues anymore, she pretty much has to respond to any of my complaints with "you're right, and all those other people are stupid."

Note to self: drinking at the after party tonight will only end in tears. Stick to water.

Route C: Rib Country

This is a slightly different route through the Midwest, staying on I-70 a little longer. The major point in its favor, for me, is that it goes through St. Louis and Kansas City. There are few things that I love as much as I love barbeque. No, this is not the barbeque I grew up with - I'm from Eastern NC, and I love pulled pork in a vinegar based sauce, accompanied by slaw and hush puppies, like nobody's business. But seriously, I don't care where you're from, if you eat meat, how could you not be into this?

This will not be a powerful lure for my vegan best friend. I have a feeling I'll just be dreaming of ribs and replacing them with steaks in Nebraska or Montana. In the meantime, here's the rest of the case for this path westward.

Route Option C: I-70, I-80, and I-84 - Rib Country

 

 States

Virginia, Maryland,  Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Missouri, Nebraska, Wyoming, Utah, Idaho, Oregon

Cities

Wheeling, Columbus, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Kansas City, Lincoln, Cheyenne, Laramie, Salt Lake City, Boise

Attractions

Pennsylvania is exactly the same as in Routes A and B. Things don't start to get interesting until... 

Ohio

Toy and Plastic Brick Museum (Bellair, OH) – world’s largest private collection of LEGO. I assume they can't call it the LEGO Museum because copyright.

Mudgett’s Monument to Ohio/Flea Market (Zanesville, OH) – A guy who makes headstones made an Ohio Monument and placed it next to his flea market. Reviews claim that it really captures the spirit of Ohio.

Hartman’s Rock Garden (Springfield, OH) – Tons of little buildings and things made out of rocks. The displays change regularly.

Foy’s Halloween Stores (Fairborn, OH) – cluster of Halloween stores (Adult costume shop, Kids costume shop, haunted house prop shop)

Big Twig Maze Sculpture Thing (Dayton, OH) – giant twig sculpture called “A Wiggle in Its Walk." You can walk all around and under it.

Foot Print Rock (Gettysburg, OH) – It’s a rock with a footprint in it. People who have stepped in it claim to have gone BACK IN TIME.

Indiana

World’s Largest Candle (Centerville, IN)

Gravity Hill (Mooresville, IN) – put your car in neutral and go BACKWARD, UP the hill

House of Bells (Cloverdale, IN) – “Bells fill the front yard -- but this place is much more than just bells. There are huge battleship chains, buckets that you can swing in, traps to catch 50-foot-tall bears, and Paul Bunyan's ax." I'm so glad someone is prepared to handle the 50 Foot Bear Invasion.

Illinois

World’s Largest Wind Chime (Casey, IL)

World’s Largest Cross (Effingham, IL)

Teepees, Buffalo, Pumpkin, and Souvenir Shop (St. Elmo, IL) – buffalo and pumpkin statues, and teepees, and a giant souvenir shop. Helloooooooo tourist trap!

Kaskaskia Dragon (Vandalia, IL) – metal dragon sculpture, breathes flame for quarters. Actual flames!

Missouri

Giant Concrete Turtle Park (St. Louis, MO) It's a park. With, um...giant concrete turtles. At least for once it's not fiberglass?

Dan’s Emerald Forest (Overland, MO) – miniature town hand-crafted by Dan

Ozarkland (Kingdom City, MO) – gift shop/tourist trap of 50s/60s kitsch and hillbilly souvenirs

Nostalgiaville USA (Kingdom City, MO) – another gift shop/parade of kitsch

City block of Giant Books (Kansas City, MO) - 22 book spines, 25 feet high, held in place by two glass elevator bookends. It's a parking garage.

Castle Northmoor (Kansas City, MO) – Giant stone tower built by a crazy person

Jesse James Home (St. Joseph, MO) – The house where Jesse James was shot and killed

Glore Psychiatric Museum (St. Joseph, MO) - Ribs might not be a strong lure for Kate, but this definitely would be.

Nebraska, Wyoming, Utah, and Idaho are all the same as in Route A.  

So there we have it. All the feasible options. I will now await feedback from my travel companions on which one they think is the best idea. Then comes the next part of the fun: finding the best food and bars along the way.

Route B: North by Northwest

The second path up for consideration in our cross-country journey is the far northern option. Parts of it would be impossible (or at least inadvisable) in winter, but in mid-September it ought to be lovely. This route also carries the bonus of bringing us right by my friend Jamie in Wisconsin, whom I only get to see about once a year if we're lucky. It also contains an absolute wealth of bizarre attractions. Down side: those attractions are reaaaaaaallllllly far apart in Montana.

Route B: I-70, I-90, and I-94 - North by Northwest

States

Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, North Dakota, Montana, Washington, Oregon

Cities

Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Toledo, Gary, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Fargo, Bismarck, Billings, Butte, Spokane

Attractions

Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Indiana are all the same as Route A. I-70 is pretty much the way to get out of Virginia going to the northwest.

Illinois

Weber Grill Restaurant/Giant Weber Grill (Schaumburg, IL) - There are apparently tons of giant Weber grills, but this one is the official giant Weber grill.

Sock Monkey Museum (Rockford, IL) – Not only does it contain loads of Sock Monkey things, but it also celebrates the Rockford Peaches, whom you may remember as Kit and Dottie's baseball team in A League of Their Own. That's reason enough to go all by itself.

Wisconsin

Two Story Outhouse (Janesville, WI) – possibly used by Abraham Lincoln. He stayed at the house the Two Story Outhouse is attached to, and it stands to reason that he probably had to poop sometime while he was there.

Bessie the Cow (Janesville, WI) – giant fiberglass cow. I told you there were a bunch of giant fiberglass cows, didn't I?

Ella’s Animatronic Deli (Madison, WI) - A reportedly good deli and bakery, coincidentally filled with various whirring, spinning, and squawking animatronic thingies.

Mouse House Cheesehaus (Windsor, WI) – notable for the giant mouse nibbling a proportionately large block of cheese

Pink Elephant (DeForest, WI) – life-sized pink elephant wearing glasses. Big black hipster glasses.

World’s Largest Flamingo (Wisconsin Dells, WI) – at the Flamingo Hotel. Does not, sadly, have big black hipster glasses.

Fiberglass Graveyard Riding Stable (Wisconsin Dells, WI) – Ride your horse through a landscape of abandoned fiberglass attractions from the Dells.

Upside Down White House (Wisconsin Dells, WI) – exactly what it sounds like. I'm told there are many Upside Down White Houses, but this one is supposed to be both the biggest and the best.

Wisconsin Cranberry Discovery Center (Warrens, WI) – “Displays the contents of Cranberry Expo, an earlier cranberry discovery attraction. Ice cream parlor serves six flavors of cranberry ice cream.” There is also a bakery featuring cranberry muffins, cranberry bread, and cranberry salsa. If we can order a vodka-cranberry there, we may have to crash for the night.

Dead Mailmen Haunted Castle (Elk Mound, WI) – “Mound Hill Park Castle is a 3-story observation tower built in 1937, later dedicated as a memorial to Dunn County postal employees...and said to be haunted.” I keep calling it the Dead Milkmen castle in my head, though.

Wisconsin’s Finest Taxidermy and Cheese Shop (Hudson, WI) – Or so the sign on the trailer says, anyway.

Minnesota

Continental Divide Marker (Fergus Falls, MN) - and I guess that's cool.

40 Foot Otter (Fergus Falls, MN) – there’s also a giant goose

13 foot Prairie Chicken (Rothsay, MN) - "Blooming" Prairie Chicken, to be exact. That is apparently a big deal.

Viking Ship Replica (Moorhead, MN) - YAAAARRRRR!!!!

North Dakota

World’s Largest Buffalo (Jamestown, ND)

World’s Largest Sandhill Crane (Steele, ND) – the bird, not the equipment. 40 ft. high

World’s Largest Holstein Cow (New Salem, ND) - I like how they get specific about breed so it stands out from the other giant cows.

Montana

Glendisaurus (Glendive, MT) – Big statue of a triceratops

Pompey’s Pillar (Worden, MT) – 150 ft sandstone butte

Bar with Two-Headed Calf (Columbus, MT) – New Atlas Bar. We like bars. I'm not necessarily so jazzed about the two-headed calf part, but Kate and Pat will be.

Mysterious Ringing Rocks (Pipestone, MT) – Hit the rocks and they ring like bells. Includes warning to “watch for bears." Danger Zone!!

Our Lady of the Rockies (Butte, MT) – 90 ft. Virgin Mary. We'll probably just have to see this from the road - actually getting to her is a pretty extensive hike to be taking in the middle of a journey of this length.

Historic Dumas Brothel Museum (Butte, MT) - now under new ownership!

World Famous 50,000 Silver Dollar Bar (Haugan, MT) – the walls of the bar are lined with silver dollars. That's cool. And...ya know, bar.

Idaho

Scrap Metal Sculptures (Kellogg, ID) – rumor has it they’re whimsical

Washington

Marvin Carr’s One of A Kind in the World Museum (Spokane, WA) – Marvin Carr is apparently a consummate collector of the unusual. Might be nice for one last stop before arrival. 

Tomorrow, the third and final route: Rib Country.