Rocky Mountain High

Our last day of driving is another long one. I have a feeling we’ll be ready to Just Get There by then, so stops will probably be less frequent. There are still some neat eatery opportunities if stopping strikes our fancy, though.

Kellogg, ID

If we need to stop and see some whimsical metal art, this will probably also be pretty close to lunch time. It comes about three hours in.

Mountain Cafe - They’re only open for breakfast and lunch, and they have a meal called the Hangover Helper. Obviously they know we’re coming.

My Big Fat Greek Deli - HOMEMADE BAKLAVA. I mean, and also other foods. But, homemade baklava.

Couer d’Alene, ID

We hit Couer d’Alene around an hour past Kellogg. This could be lunch if we decide not to stop in for the whimsical metal sculptures.

Best Sandwich Shack - Apparently the sandwiches are the best. People particularly rave about the Philly Cheesesteaks. And you get a free brownie while supplies last!

Capone’s Pub & Grill - “Idaho Nachos” is probably just a fancy word for “cheese fries”...but, ya know, cheese fries. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.

Shugar Shack Chocolatier - People keep telling me that chocolate is not a lunch food, and I keep telling them to shut up, they don’t tell me what to do, I do what I want.

Spokane, WA

If we want to get on across another state line before we stop, however, then we land in Spokane. It’ll probably be our last serious stop before Portland - we should probably stop in with the Suction Goat to get rid of our travel trash.

Riverfront Park - I wouldn’t mind a picnic here at the home of the World’s Largest Radio Flyer Wagon.

The Flying Goat - The pizza looking pretty amazing, but they also have some pretty delicious-looking salads. We could probably feed everybody lunch here.

Frank’s Diner - It’s in a train car! A presidential train car! How cool is that?

Boo Radley’s - This is not food, but I feel like I have to stop here, because it looks like so much fun. Also, it’s called Boo Radley’s.

The Wasteland

So, in case you were wondering what’s in eastern Montana, it’s nothing. The answer is nothing. Well, actually the answer is “giant fiberglass animals.” They’ve got two or three of those. Just not any food. We better make sure we stock up on snacks/lunch food in Bismarck and get ready to have a picnic, because holy crap, the emptiness.

Billings, MT

The situation improves about five hours from Bismarck, in Billings. If we get out of Bismarck early, this could be a good spot for lunch. If we leave later, it could do for dinner. Regardless, if the tide lands us there, here are the options.

The Burger Dive - The veggie burgers, standard meat burgers, fries, and onion rings are raved about all over Yelp. Also...garlic fries. How can that be anything but awesome?

Harper and Madison - If this place is open when we get there, I’m gonna need some cupcakes. They look amaaaaaaazing.

The Fieldhouse Cafe - All kinds of interesting vegetarian options here, including Veggie Tacos and Fried Brussels Sprouts. Local and organic too, which is cool.

Columbus, MT

Just a little ways past Billings is the slightly-more-than-100 year old New Atlas Bar, home to all kinds of wacky taxidermy. We’ll have a long ways yet to go to get to Butte and probably can’t stop here, but it still looks super neat.

Butte, MT

Our driving day comes to an end in Butte, Montana. Something I did not know: apparently Cornish Pasties are a big deal there. I feel like if that’s the local “thing” we should give it a shot.

Truzzolino Tamales - In addition to their tamales, they do a brisk and competitive pasty business.

Nancy’s Pasty Shop - A tiny place with like 8 chairs that are apparently almost always filled.

Bonanza Freeze - If we’re not feeling the pasty thing, though, this “old-fashioned ice cream shop” serves burgers and fries and all the other classics.

Headframe Spirits - Their cocktails sound delicious. Lavender Lemondrop? Christmas Cookie? I’m all about this.

The Hummingbird Cafe - Might be good for breakfast on our way out in the morning.

Where the Buffalo Roam

Day three will begin in the magical wonderland of Wisconsin Dells. From there, we begin a long, long day of driving - all the way clear to Bismarck, North Dakota. There's also not a whole lot going on in North Dakota. Our attractions are further apart, interesting food is harder to come by, and there's a whole lot of big flat nothing. It's basically the Nebraska of the far north.

It's not entirely without promise, though! And so, here we go with the food of the northern middle of the country.

Warrens, WI

There is really only one thing in Warrens, WI: The Cranberry Discovery Center. Cranberry Wine! Cranberry muffins! Cranberry bread! Cranberry ice cream! Cranberry salsa! Cranberry coffee! ALL THE CRANBERRIES!

Minneapolis, MN

I’ll have to ask Megs about this one, since she lived most of her life there. Some ideas before consulting with her, though:

Quang Restaurant - Vietnamese food, which visitors say is both speedy and inexpensive.

And apparently Minneapolis is as nuts for food trucks as DC is. Hola Arepa, Chef Shack, Get Sauced, and Gai Gai Thai all look pretty awesome. If I can find out where one locates a food truck rodeo in Minneapolis, we just might have to hit that up.

Fergus Falls, MN

It’s got a forty foot otter and a giant goose, and that is reason enough to stop in and stretch our legs. While we’re in the neighborhood, we can eat at:

Cafe 116 - Everybody loves their locally sourced food and coffee except for this one random hater. Since Yelp is full of haters who are, as they say, gonna hate, this person does not concern me.

Dairyland Drive-In - I love a drive-in, and even if I didn’t, they would’ve had me at “homemade onion rings.”

Fargo, ND

Nothing I can find in Fargo is really looking all that interesting. Does anybody have any North Dakota food secrets? If so, lemme know.

Bismarck, ND

Blarney Stone Pub - If we’re crashing in Bismarck for the night, we’re obviously going to need a bar. I don’t know if this one has karaoke, but it does have sweet potato fries.

Fireflour Pizza - Reviewers claim the pizza is amazing, and all the negative comments seem to be whining about service/lack of delivery. Also, it’s called Fireflour, and that’s awesome.

Toasted Frog - Okay, so speaking of awesome names. And the menu, my god! Fried pickles? Lamb burger? Pheasant melt? Pheasant melt! Sign me up.

Dairyland, USA

Day Two, at least in theory, should be starting off in Toledo and landing in the heart of Wisconsin for the night. My continuing look at potential food along the way follows.

Elkhart, IN

Two hours into our drive, we reach Elkhart, IN, home of the RV Museum and Hall of Fame. If we feel the need to check it out, we can also grab food at one of these joints.

Miles Lab - a burger joint with excellent sweet potato fries, themed around Miles Laboratories, a pharmaceutical company originally headquartered in Elkhart.

Simonton Lake Drive-In - a traditional drive-in with Ordermatic menu and speakerbox. The root beer is repeatedly described as amazing, and though I’m not a root beer fan, I have a feeling some of my traveling companions may be. For me, there are onion rings.

Ricky’s Taqueria - Online reviewers say it’s delicious, flavorful, and cheap. All these things are my friends.

LaPorte, IN

If we hold out another hour for the La Porte Historical Society Museum and a look into the life of Belle “Husband Killer” Gunness, then we have these eatery options.

Spire Farm to Fork - Big city chef comes out to NW Indiana and opens a restaurant featuring locally sourced ingredients. Will it be quirky and fun or fussy and pretentious? Find out next on the Travel Channel.

Mucho Mas! - Apparently tons of food which is all delicious, and Mexican food usually makes for easy feeding of the vegetarian contingent.

Northside BBQ - They call the owner “The Meat Nazi.” Word is that he’s evil, but his ribs and brisket are incredible. This sounds exciting.

Gary, IN

Great Lakes Cafe - located at the entrance to a steel mill, everyone on Yelp describes this cafe as having not only delicious food, but an incredibly friendly staff and atmosphere. If we happen to be hungry in Gary, I want to stop here.

Chicago, IL

Obviously there are tons of amazing opportunities in Chicago. It’s a huge city with a rich and varied food history. I actually know some locals here, though, so should we end up hungry here, I’ll ask around.

Rockford, IL

A League of Their Own is one of my favorite movies of all time, and thus I really want to stop in at the home of the Peaches. If I can convince my traveling companions that it’s a good idea, here are some places we can eat.

Dandy Donuts - the donuts, they say, are dandy.

Sugarjones - I love a good bakery, and I extra love the name.

Janesville, WI

Should we feel the need to visit Bessie the Giant Fiberglass Cow or the two-story outhouse that Abraham Lincoln himself may have pooped in, we can also grab some food while we’re in town.

Culver’s - This is by far the best fast food I have ever put in my mouth. I had never been to a Culver’s until Jamie took me there when I went to visit her in Wisconsin, and oh my stars is it amazing.  

Basics Co-op Natural Foods - The last time I took a chance and got food at a co-op, it turned out awesome. There are also good reports of their sushi.

Wisconsin Dells, WI

We land for the night in Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin’s very own epic and amazing tourist trap. I’ll be asking Jamie what’s up around there of course, as she’s a local (and I know there’s another Culver’s there). Without consulting with her, however, there is one place that I know I want to visit:

Kernel Popcorn Factory - Well-known fact amongst all my friends: I love popcorn. Love it. Even the Christmas I worked in a gourmet popcorn shop, surrounded constantly by the smell of popcorn, I still loved popcorn. I will be going to this place and making the car smell like popcorn for all of Day Three.

Cities of Steel and Glass

My Grandpa Mike was an amazing guy.

He was the third of four kids, the child of Slovak immigrants. He grew up in Pennsylvania and Ohio and didn't learn to speak English until he started school, but Cleveland was the only accent you'd ever hear on his voice. When he was 17, he lied about his age to join the Army Air Corps at the tail end of WWII without his mother's permission--and then he stayed in for 23 years, watching the AAC turn into the Air Force and going everyplace the Strategic Air Command could send you. He taught me to jitterbug, use a radial arm saw, and set a fire in a charcoal grill--and he taught me the joys of eating local.

"Ask the locals where they eat," he'd always say. "That's where you want to go."

He'd been doing it for years, fearlessly. He had every kind of sausage Germany had to offer when he was stationed there in the early 1950s. He knew how to say "Two beers, please" in thirteen different languages, because no way was he going to be one of those boring assholes who just stayed on post all the time because oh no, they might have to eat something weird. I was equal parts thrilled and horrified as a child by his story of eating bugs (bugs!) somewhere in the South Pacific. I went with him to every seafood restaurant in Carteret, Onslow, Jones, and Craven County - some amazing, some terrible, but never a big chain, because that would be cheating.

Grandpa and me, August of 1983.

I lost my grandpa in 2006, and I think about him a lot. Any time I fry up some seafood or build something or swing dance, he's somewhere in my head--and of course I started thinking of him as soon as I started my search for good local food on the trip. I know he would have just rolled into town and asked somebody in a grocery store where the best place to eat was, but he was way cooler than me. Grandpa never met a stranger and he could make friendly conversation with pretty much anyone. He would not only eat local, but probably have a dozen new friends by the time he left town. Lucky for me, I have the Internet. With a little help from Yelp; Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives; and Man vs. Food, I can eat the Grandpa Way without having to talk to unnecessary strangers. I like to think he'd approve, even if I don't have penpals across America by the time I get to Portland.

So without further ado...

Take it on the Run, Baby: Food Possibilities on Day One

Pittsburgh, PA

Pittsburgh will pop up approximately 3 hours into our drive. If we leave when I think we’ll probably leave (because I’m pretty sure I’m the only Morning Person on this trip), that’ll probably be around lunchtime.

Spice Island Tea House - I’ve never been to a tea house. That just seems cool.

Los Cabos SoCal Mex Food - The rice and beans are vegan, which Snarks will be into. The rest of it is not, which I am into.

Point Brugge Cafe - Belgian food. Which means there are frites, and I am all about the frites.

Nadine's - Atmosphere is reportedly dive-y, but I kind of dig dives.

Big Jim’s - This place has gloriously mixed reviews. It’s either awesome or terrible depending on who you ask, and I sort of want to go order a calzone and find out which it is.

Primanti Bros. Restaurant - Home of some epic-looking sandwiches.

Clearfield, PA

Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub  - Home of the World’s Largest Burgers. One of them is fifteen pounds, for heaven’s sake.

DuBois, PA

Dr. Doolittle’s Roadside Cafe and Creamery - Because it’s about time someone told the truth about the Amish, Bigfoot, and the dinosaurs.

Clarion, PA

This town is home to a large cow statue. I’m not sure there’s much purpose in stopping here, but just in case...

The County Seat Diner - They had me at “M&M Pancakes”

Toby Hill Bar and Grill - I love bar food. Reviewers claim this place has the best wings ever, and $1 drafts! $1!

Daddy’s Main St. - All made fresh with a daily-changing menu.

Strongsville, OH

My grandpa actually grew up in this suburb of Cleveland. It’s right on our path through Ohio, so maybe we’ll drop in. I feel like i should look for Slovak food around here, but...okay, truth be told, I’m not actually a huge fan of most Slovak food. Really I just want a Slovak bakery. Love me some roshky; not so much for halushky.

Sweet Mango Thai Cuisine - I can always get down on some Pad Thai

The Brew Kettle - Looks like a nice variety of pub grub.

La Kabob Lebanese Grill - I’m also always up for a kabob of virtually any kind, especially when pita is involved.

Donut Scene - An entire scene of nothing but donuts? Oh hell yes.

Toledo, OH

I cannot hear of Toledo, OH without thinking of Klinger from MASH. I realize I’m too young to be a MASH fan, but it used to come on between Animaniacs and Star Trek: TNG when I was a kid. Anyway, as such, I automatically want to eat at Beirut.

Grumpy’s - A sandwich shop, but apparently one with incredible character and delicious food.

Beirut - Lebanese! And the hummus is reportedly to die for.

Ottawa Tavern - If we’re crashing in Toledo, we’re gonna need a bar. This one’s atmosphere is described as “hipster” but reviews also say they have the best bar food in town.