May there be a returning for you

I didn't finish this story while I was out driving. Things got a little too heavy, and it got a little too hard to write. Now that I've had some distance, I want to finish.

Somewhere in Montana, I admitted that I wasn't in love with my boyfriend. It was an admission I had avoided for a long time, because the relationship was comfortable and because I knew that if I did admit it, then I would have to end it. If I ended it, I would hurt him and I would have to pick my life back up and put it back together in a new way.

So I did, and like she always does, my best friend got me through it.

She was there for all the long, angst-ridden conversations afterward, and when she made her first visit back, she was the first one to notice how obviously much happier I was.When she got homesick in Oregon, she called me and I like to think I helped a little bit.

It was a great trip west. We saw Mount Rushmore:

We found out there's stuff in Washington that's not Seattle.

We discovered that wind farms are weirdly beautiful.

We found a pen of puppies in the Badlands.

We survived a terrifying rain storm in the Rockies and then saw a sunset that no photos could ever do justice, especially not the sort I can take with an iPad.

We met a dinosaur. His name is Sinclair.

We made it to Oregon, where I slept every night surrounded by beagles, and I got on the plane and I came back home. I broke my glasses somewhere in the air between Phoenix and Charlotte.

It's been two months since then, and I don't feel any less close to Kate than I did before she left. She's still my best friend. We still love each other. We still help each other through the hard things and laugh about the silly things and have unnecessarily intellectual conversations about Lost Girl.

I had given up on Best Friends Forever, but I know that I was wrong now. It does exist, and not just for other people. Friends are out there for the difficult women, the ones who talk too much and have too many opinions and are too vain and too smart and too strange. It just takes us longer to find each other sometimes.

 

Badlands

Kate says taking a cross country trip with someone is like being roommates for two months condensed into a week. I think she's right. We did a lot of talking today, and I think maybe I got a little of the insecurity shook outta me. 

We drove through some beautiful country over the past couple of days. Not Illinois. Illinois sucks. We sat in its stupid traffic forever, and it stretched on for miles and miles, and it had eight hundred tollbooths (not one of them Phantom), and it's just dumb. Bite us, Illinois. 

Minnesota, though! I don't know what I was expecting from the southern edge of Minnesota, but it was really quite lovely. All big green fields and bright blue skies and a light breeze and 70 degrees. I have never seriously thought about moving to Minnesota until this afternoon, but if I'd had my skates I probably would've just stayed. 

But then I would have missed South Dakota, and that would have been criminal. The Badlands are gorgeous. Not only that, but I've never seen anything like what I saw out the window there. The hills are huge, these sharp, spiny affairs stretching into huge expanses of land just barely broken by fences and scrubby little brush and the occasional twisted tree. The sky goes on forever, and we dipped in and out of the valleys for hours that just flew by. We even discovered a pen full of puppies at a rest stop (don't worry, their people were with them). It was beautiful. 

And of course then there was the crowning achievement of today: Mount Rushmore. The straight on front view was pretty cool - those heads are indeed huge, and the plaza leading up to it is neat, too. A large group of Navy vets had gotten there just before us. Their jackets declared them all Vietnam-era veterans who had been aboard the Essex class aircraft carrier USS Bonhomme Richard, and they were a charming group of gentlemen. 

Now we're in a hotel in Wyoming, and I have nothing to say about the scenery here because it's dark. 

I want to see the stars from the mountains tomorrow. We got a little flash of them in the middle of a wind farm in Minnesota last night, and I want another look.  It's easy to forget the stars in Northern Virginia. Except for the very brightest, they're invisible. We lose all that delicate glitter in between the bold print. I don't know how long it might be before the next time I'm out of the streetlights and the buildings that never go dark. I want to enjoy it while I've got it. 

Trapped in Toledo

The title of this post is misleading. We are not actually in Toledo. We are just south of Toledo, in a town called Perrysburg. The gas station at which we are stranded is on a street that could have been pulled right off of any main drag of any suburb in America - Target and McDonald's and Chili's and pavement. 

What this place lacks in unique local color, however, it makes up for in available services. The moving truck company will have someone out here to fix the truck in an hour or so, and in the meantime we can feed everyone and take the dogs out for a walk. We are reminding ourselves to be grateful that this is not happening in South Dakota, which would be phenomenally worse. The sign on this gas station does just seem extra sad under the circumstances, though. Irony, you vicious asshole. (And it is irony, because we totally thought "get in. Get out. Get going." was what we were going to do, and then we did not. So shut up, irony police.)

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

We have officially survived Day One. 

We of course didn't get out of Fairfax until about two hours later than planned. Given the nature of the trip (moving the entire life of two people across the country), I kinda figured that would be the case. Nerves were frayed from the lack of sleep the night before and the final bits of heavy lifting in the morning, and the beagles were not at all pleased with being packed up into a car. We successfully got on the road, though, and then everything was going really pretty well. Sailed around the Beltway without encountering anything that anybody from the DCMA would call traffic, got through Maryland, and then the first official kink in my plans showed up. 

"Daniel really wants to go to Mount Rushmore," Kate told me somewhere around stop number 2 or 3. Daniel is Kate's brother who took the train in from Portland to help with the trip westward. 

"Does he know that's in South Dakota?" I asked, because I remembered that she thought the Grand Canyon was on the way. 

"Yeah. He wants to go there." 

My freakout reflex immediately kicked in. South Dakota was not in the plan. North Dakota was in the plan. More importantly, visiting Jamie in Wisconsin was in the plan, and that was really the one stop on the trip that was actually important to me. In the midst of my freaking out, I didn't think we could possibly do both. My understanding of Midwestern highways is extremely limited, so when Daniel said something about taking 80 out of Chicago, I didn't remember that 80 runs with 90 there and we would essentially be following the exact same path. Just the idea of a change to the plan had me panicking a little. 

As it turned out, we could easily have done both. However, I got an email from Jamie while we were at the bar telling me that everything that could possibly gone wrong with her move to her new apartment had, and she wasn't going to be able to make it. So...it was a panic for nothing. 

A lot of my panics are for nothing, I think. I get all wound up about what I think is true, or what I think people are saying, and immediately begin to freak based on completely erroneous assumptions. It usually comes up because I find other people scary and assume that they hate me and everything I think or say or do. Once I get all upset about what I think is true, I find it really hard to calm back down when I realize what is actually true--I get locked in this terrible guilt/shame spiral over being wrong and possibly upsetting someone else, and then I just want to go hide in a closet somewhere. 

I have survived this latest episode of be wrong/have someone else be right/have things not go according to plan, however. We all got a decent night's sleep here in Perrysburg, Ohio, and now we're ready to truck on across the northern midwest. We're going to make this a longer driving day since we have no need to stop in Wisconsin Dells, and we are now Mount Rushmore bound. Huzzah! Look at me being flexible! Clearly the yoga is helping. 

When Tomorrow Comes!

Tomorrow is the big day. At approximately 10 a.m., Pat, Kate, and Daniel (Kate's brother) will arrive at my house to pick me up, and we will be headed north and west.

Things I have done to prepare:
- purchased a cooler, bottled water, soda, hummus, and fruit, as well as hummus vehicles (Pretzel Crisps and Pita Chips) and Chex Mix. Did you know Original Chex Mix is vegan? We had no idea until this past Friday. Learning! But I digress. Snacks are good to have between stops, and they are much much cheaper purchased ahead of time at the grocery store than purchased bit by bit at gas stations.
- Got my hair and nails done. People will be taking pictures, and I am not about looking trashy in pictures. And with a can of dry shampoo, I can make this blowout last all the way to Portland.
- Pulled all the clothes I intend to take along. They just barely fit in the small suitcase. Since I will also have shoes and toiletries and whatnot, we're just gonna go on and upgrade to the large suitcase.
- Sent all the emails to make sure my work is covered while I'm out of town

Things I still need to do to prepare:
- OH GOD SO MANY THINGS. I need to check in with Jamie about meeting up with her in Wisconsin, and I need to get my hair products and whatnot into their little travel bottles, and I need to buy Kate some Diet Dr. Pepper, and I have to make sure I'm taking the right pajamas, and I need to check all the weather and figure out if I'm going to need long sleeves other than the light jacket I already washed, and I need to pick up some Excedrin, and I need to check the mail for my prescriptions, and I need to print out the maps/directions, and y'all, I really can't stand here talking. I've gotta go. 

Over the River and Through the Woods

I made separate geographical playlists for Days 2 and 3, but I sort of feel like they run together. Part of it's because I'm picking songs for places I've never or seldom been. The midwest is all one big mystery to me. I'm pretty sure corn and snow both feature heavily, but that's nearly all I've got.

It makes me wonder how people who have lived in Peoria their entire lives and have never been to North Carolina envision it. Some sort of giant tobacco field full of bbq and NASCAR with a beach on one end, which is approximately 9000 degrees hot every afternoon? We all have a pretty solid image of places like New York and Los Angeles and New Orleans, whether accurate or not, because they feature in a lot of the stories we see and hear. The place I grew up, or the places a lot of others did, not so much.

So now I'm thinking over the media and experiences that shaped my vision of these places I've never been. Dorothy and Oz, Jack and Diane, Chicago, The Hold Steady, Dan Fogelberg, various truck commercials, my friends from Iowa and Wisconsin and Illinois, my father's time as a kid in Minot and Omaha - all these snippets of green grass and golden fields and small towns and big, cold cities that stand like islands in a sea of prairie come together to form a patchwork image in my mind. It's lovely, but vague. You're a big quilt to me, Midwest - I'm looking forward to seeing what some of your squares look like in real life.

Dairyland, USA - Toledo to Wisconsin Dells
Wide open spaces, northern European immigration, second cities, and a struggle for clear identity

The Andrews Sisters - "Beer Barrel Polka"
Edith Piaf - "L'accordéoniste"
Antsy McClain & the Trailer Park Troubadours - "Falling in Love in America"
The Samples - "Indiana"
Dan Fogelberg - "Illinois"
Sufjan Stevens - "Chicago"
Frank Sinatra - "My Kind of Town"
Bon Iver - "Brackett WI"
The Hold Steady - "South Town Girls"
Bruce Hornsby - "The Valley Road"
Counting Crows - "Omaha"
Dar Williams - "Iowa (Traveling 3)"
Lady Gaga - "You and I"
Eddie from Ohio - "The Train Song"
Elton John - "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"


Where the Buffalo Roam - Wisconsin Dells to Bismarck 
Cowboys and plains and a stark contrast of light and dark

Crash Test Dummies - "The Country Life"
Big & Rich - "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy"
Toby Keith - "Should've been a Cowboy"
The Old 97s - "Mama Tried"
Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson, and Johnny Cash - "The Highwayman"
Neil Young - "Cowgirl in the Sand"
Sting - "Fields of Gold"
Carbon Leaf - "One Prairie Outpost"
Patty Griffin - "Chief"
Ryan Adams and Emmylou Harris - "Return of the Grievous Angel"
Arrogant Worms - "Last Saskatchewan Pirate"
Great Big Sea - "The River Driver"
Neko Case - "Middle Cyclone"
Eddie From Ohio - "Number Six Driver"
The Hold Steady - "Ask Her for Adderall/Cheyenne Sunrise/Two-Handed Handshake"

The Song Game

Everybody has their favorite car games for long trips. My family was always a bit unusual; I can never remember us playing License Plates or 20 Questions or whatever that game is where you find Volkswagens and hit people. Volkswagen Violence? I don't know. I was unpleasantly surprised to discover in 1st grade that hitting people upon spotting a VW Beetle was even a thing.

Anyway - our usual car game of choice was one we just called The Song Game. Like most car games, it's simple: pick a category, and each person in turn sings a snippet of a song proving that it fits into the category. Categories included Names of States, American Cities, Girls' Names, Boys' Names, Weather, and even one exciting States: Challenge Mode in which my father and I tried to match each other's states (that is, he sings a song with Delaware in it, then I have to find another song with Delaware in it. Surprise: there are not many songs with Delaware in them.)

Dad was also always a big maker of mix tapes. He always called them Road Tapes - and indeed, when I first encountered them, they were on cassette and carefully recorded from other cassettes and vinyl for the purpose of always having the perfect driving music on hand. I can remember him helping me make my own for the first time when I was about 5 years old. My Brownie troop was having a Dance Party, and everybody was supposed to make a mix tape with their favorite songs to dance to. Mine involved Steeleye Span's "Misty Moisty Morning" and Bon Jovi's "Livin' On A Prayer" and Steely Dan's "Reelin' In The Years."  I was very proud of it. The other Brownies and my Troop Leader were not impressed.

"These were supposed to be dance music," Mrs. Johnson informed me with a sigh. Apparently she was expecting something else for dancing in 1987. Whatever, Brownies. If you don't like my jams, you can go do Arts & Crafts without me. I didn't like your lame troop meetings anyway.

Anyway...based on this fine family tradition of mix tapes, weird musical themes, and I Like What I Like and Screw You For Judging Me Mrs. Johnson, I have begun making a few mix CDs/playlists for the Greatest Adventure. Right now I have 7 different sets - a geographically-themed mix for each of our days on the road, one gloriously lengthy We Love the 90s mix, and an almost equally lengthy set themed around travel/driving. There will undoubtedly be more before we're done, and of course I know Snarky/Kate will be bringing along a few of her own. I'm looking forward to seeing what she comes up with - her taste tends to involve more screaming women who love their vaginas and fewer twangy tunes by the politically problematic, but we have enough crossover (and deep, abiding love of karaoke) to have fun with each other's collections.

For a taste of what's coming from me, I now unveil the Day One geographical jams:

Cities of Steel and Glass: Virginia to Ohio
Industrial Revolution, suburbia, working for the weekend, and the beauty in despair.

Mary Chapin Carpenter - "Down in Mary's Land"
Simon & Garfunkel - "America"
The Magnetic Fields - "100,000 Fireflies"
Bruce Springsteen - "Born in the USA"
Bruce Hornsby - "That's Just the Way It Is"
Alice in Chains - "Rooster"
Eddie From Ohio - "This Is My Town"
Billy Joel - "Allentown"
Great Big Sea - "Chemical Worker's Song"
The Head and the Heart - "Down in the Valley"
Seven Nations - "Blackleg Miner"
Hem - "Half an Acre"
The Old 97's - "Buick City Complex"
Seven Mary Three - "Punch In Punch Out"
The Vogues - "5 O'Clock World"
Elton John - "Rocketman"

Rocky Mountain High

Our last day of driving is another long one. I have a feeling we’ll be ready to Just Get There by then, so stops will probably be less frequent. There are still some neat eatery opportunities if stopping strikes our fancy, though.

Kellogg, ID

If we need to stop and see some whimsical metal art, this will probably also be pretty close to lunch time. It comes about three hours in.

Mountain Cafe - They’re only open for breakfast and lunch, and they have a meal called the Hangover Helper. Obviously they know we’re coming.

My Big Fat Greek Deli - HOMEMADE BAKLAVA. I mean, and also other foods. But, homemade baklava.

Couer d’Alene, ID

We hit Couer d’Alene around an hour past Kellogg. This could be lunch if we decide not to stop in for the whimsical metal sculptures.

Best Sandwich Shack - Apparently the sandwiches are the best. People particularly rave about the Philly Cheesesteaks. And you get a free brownie while supplies last!

Capone’s Pub & Grill - “Idaho Nachos” is probably just a fancy word for “cheese fries”...but, ya know, cheese fries. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.

Shugar Shack Chocolatier - People keep telling me that chocolate is not a lunch food, and I keep telling them to shut up, they don’t tell me what to do, I do what I want.

Spokane, WA

If we want to get on across another state line before we stop, however, then we land in Spokane. It’ll probably be our last serious stop before Portland - we should probably stop in with the Suction Goat to get rid of our travel trash.

Riverfront Park - I wouldn’t mind a picnic here at the home of the World’s Largest Radio Flyer Wagon.

The Flying Goat - The pizza looking pretty amazing, but they also have some pretty delicious-looking salads. We could probably feed everybody lunch here.

Frank’s Diner - It’s in a train car! A presidential train car! How cool is that?

Boo Radley’s - This is not food, but I feel like I have to stop here, because it looks like so much fun. Also, it’s called Boo Radley’s.

The Wasteland

So, in case you were wondering what’s in eastern Montana, it’s nothing. The answer is nothing. Well, actually the answer is “giant fiberglass animals.” They’ve got two or three of those. Just not any food. We better make sure we stock up on snacks/lunch food in Bismarck and get ready to have a picnic, because holy crap, the emptiness.

Billings, MT

The situation improves about five hours from Bismarck, in Billings. If we get out of Bismarck early, this could be a good spot for lunch. If we leave later, it could do for dinner. Regardless, if the tide lands us there, here are the options.

The Burger Dive - The veggie burgers, standard meat burgers, fries, and onion rings are raved about all over Yelp. Also...garlic fries. How can that be anything but awesome?

Harper and Madison - If this place is open when we get there, I’m gonna need some cupcakes. They look amaaaaaaazing.

The Fieldhouse Cafe - All kinds of interesting vegetarian options here, including Veggie Tacos and Fried Brussels Sprouts. Local and organic too, which is cool.

Columbus, MT

Just a little ways past Billings is the slightly-more-than-100 year old New Atlas Bar, home to all kinds of wacky taxidermy. We’ll have a long ways yet to go to get to Butte and probably can’t stop here, but it still looks super neat.

Butte, MT

Our driving day comes to an end in Butte, Montana. Something I did not know: apparently Cornish Pasties are a big deal there. I feel like if that’s the local “thing” we should give it a shot.

Truzzolino Tamales - In addition to their tamales, they do a brisk and competitive pasty business.

Nancy’s Pasty Shop - A tiny place with like 8 chairs that are apparently almost always filled.

Bonanza Freeze - If we’re not feeling the pasty thing, though, this “old-fashioned ice cream shop” serves burgers and fries and all the other classics.

Headframe Spirits - Their cocktails sound delicious. Lavender Lemondrop? Christmas Cookie? I’m all about this.

The Hummingbird Cafe - Might be good for breakfast on our way out in the morning.

My god, my god, why have you forsaken me?

I just booked my flight for the trip back.

I will leave Portland at 6:00 p.m.

I will arrive in Phoenix at 8:30 p.m.

I will depart Phoenix at 11:35 p.m.

I will arrive in Charlotte at 6:24 a.m.

I will depart Charlotte at 9:23 a.m.

I will arrive in at Dulles at 10:40 a.m.


This bitch had better know I love her.

Where the Buffalo Roam

Day three will begin in the magical wonderland of Wisconsin Dells. From there, we begin a long, long day of driving - all the way clear to Bismarck, North Dakota. There's also not a whole lot going on in North Dakota. Our attractions are further apart, interesting food is harder to come by, and there's a whole lot of big flat nothing. It's basically the Nebraska of the far north.

It's not entirely without promise, though! And so, here we go with the food of the northern middle of the country.

Warrens, WI

There is really only one thing in Warrens, WI: The Cranberry Discovery Center. Cranberry Wine! Cranberry muffins! Cranberry bread! Cranberry ice cream! Cranberry salsa! Cranberry coffee! ALL THE CRANBERRIES!

Minneapolis, MN

I’ll have to ask Megs about this one, since she lived most of her life there. Some ideas before consulting with her, though:

Quang Restaurant - Vietnamese food, which visitors say is both speedy and inexpensive.

And apparently Minneapolis is as nuts for food trucks as DC is. Hola Arepa, Chef Shack, Get Sauced, and Gai Gai Thai all look pretty awesome. If I can find out where one locates a food truck rodeo in Minneapolis, we just might have to hit that up.

Fergus Falls, MN

It’s got a forty foot otter and a giant goose, and that is reason enough to stop in and stretch our legs. While we’re in the neighborhood, we can eat at:

Cafe 116 - Everybody loves their locally sourced food and coffee except for this one random hater. Since Yelp is full of haters who are, as they say, gonna hate, this person does not concern me.

Dairyland Drive-In - I love a drive-in, and even if I didn’t, they would’ve had me at “homemade onion rings.”

Fargo, ND

Nothing I can find in Fargo is really looking all that interesting. Does anybody have any North Dakota food secrets? If so, lemme know.

Bismarck, ND

Blarney Stone Pub - If we’re crashing in Bismarck for the night, we’re obviously going to need a bar. I don’t know if this one has karaoke, but it does have sweet potato fries.

Fireflour Pizza - Reviewers claim the pizza is amazing, and all the negative comments seem to be whining about service/lack of delivery. Also, it’s called Fireflour, and that’s awesome.

Toasted Frog - Okay, so speaking of awesome names. And the menu, my god! Fried pickles? Lamb burger? Pheasant melt? Pheasant melt! Sign me up.

Dairyland, USA

Day Two, at least in theory, should be starting off in Toledo and landing in the heart of Wisconsin for the night. My continuing look at potential food along the way follows.

Elkhart, IN

Two hours into our drive, we reach Elkhart, IN, home of the RV Museum and Hall of Fame. If we feel the need to check it out, we can also grab food at one of these joints.

Miles Lab - a burger joint with excellent sweet potato fries, themed around Miles Laboratories, a pharmaceutical company originally headquartered in Elkhart.

Simonton Lake Drive-In - a traditional drive-in with Ordermatic menu and speakerbox. The root beer is repeatedly described as amazing, and though I’m not a root beer fan, I have a feeling some of my traveling companions may be. For me, there are onion rings.

Ricky’s Taqueria - Online reviewers say it’s delicious, flavorful, and cheap. All these things are my friends.

LaPorte, IN

If we hold out another hour for the La Porte Historical Society Museum and a look into the life of Belle “Husband Killer” Gunness, then we have these eatery options.

Spire Farm to Fork - Big city chef comes out to NW Indiana and opens a restaurant featuring locally sourced ingredients. Will it be quirky and fun or fussy and pretentious? Find out next on the Travel Channel.

Mucho Mas! - Apparently tons of food which is all delicious, and Mexican food usually makes for easy feeding of the vegetarian contingent.

Northside BBQ - They call the owner “The Meat Nazi.” Word is that he’s evil, but his ribs and brisket are incredible. This sounds exciting.

Gary, IN

Great Lakes Cafe - located at the entrance to a steel mill, everyone on Yelp describes this cafe as having not only delicious food, but an incredibly friendly staff and atmosphere. If we happen to be hungry in Gary, I want to stop here.

Chicago, IL

Obviously there are tons of amazing opportunities in Chicago. It’s a huge city with a rich and varied food history. I actually know some locals here, though, so should we end up hungry here, I’ll ask around.

Rockford, IL

A League of Their Own is one of my favorite movies of all time, and thus I really want to stop in at the home of the Peaches. If I can convince my traveling companions that it’s a good idea, here are some places we can eat.

Dandy Donuts - the donuts, they say, are dandy.

Sugarjones - I love a good bakery, and I extra love the name.

Janesville, WI

Should we feel the need to visit Bessie the Giant Fiberglass Cow or the two-story outhouse that Abraham Lincoln himself may have pooped in, we can also grab some food while we’re in town.

Culver’s - This is by far the best fast food I have ever put in my mouth. I had never been to a Culver’s until Jamie took me there when I went to visit her in Wisconsin, and oh my stars is it amazing.  

Basics Co-op Natural Foods - The last time I took a chance and got food at a co-op, it turned out awesome. There are also good reports of their sushi.

Wisconsin Dells, WI

We land for the night in Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin’s very own epic and amazing tourist trap. I’ll be asking Jamie what’s up around there of course, as she’s a local (and I know there’s another Culver’s there). Without consulting with her, however, there is one place that I know I want to visit:

Kernel Popcorn Factory - Well-known fact amongst all my friends: I love popcorn. Love it. Even the Christmas I worked in a gourmet popcorn shop, surrounded constantly by the smell of popcorn, I still loved popcorn. I will be going to this place and making the car smell like popcorn for all of Day Three.

Cities of Steel and Glass

My Grandpa Mike was an amazing guy.

He was the third of four kids, the child of Slovak immigrants. He grew up in Pennsylvania and Ohio and didn't learn to speak English until he started school, but Cleveland was the only accent you'd ever hear on his voice. When he was 17, he lied about his age to join the Army Air Corps at the tail end of WWII without his mother's permission--and then he stayed in for 23 years, watching the AAC turn into the Air Force and going everyplace the Strategic Air Command could send you. He taught me to jitterbug, use a radial arm saw, and set a fire in a charcoal grill--and he taught me the joys of eating local.

"Ask the locals where they eat," he'd always say. "That's where you want to go."

He'd been doing it for years, fearlessly. He had every kind of sausage Germany had to offer when he was stationed there in the early 1950s. He knew how to say "Two beers, please" in thirteen different languages, because no way was he going to be one of those boring assholes who just stayed on post all the time because oh no, they might have to eat something weird. I was equal parts thrilled and horrified as a child by his story of eating bugs (bugs!) somewhere in the South Pacific. I went with him to every seafood restaurant in Carteret, Onslow, Jones, and Craven County - some amazing, some terrible, but never a big chain, because that would be cheating.

Grandpa and me, August of 1983.

I lost my grandpa in 2006, and I think about him a lot. Any time I fry up some seafood or build something or swing dance, he's somewhere in my head--and of course I started thinking of him as soon as I started my search for good local food on the trip. I know he would have just rolled into town and asked somebody in a grocery store where the best place to eat was, but he was way cooler than me. Grandpa never met a stranger and he could make friendly conversation with pretty much anyone. He would not only eat local, but probably have a dozen new friends by the time he left town. Lucky for me, I have the Internet. With a little help from Yelp; Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives; and Man vs. Food, I can eat the Grandpa Way without having to talk to unnecessary strangers. I like to think he'd approve, even if I don't have penpals across America by the time I get to Portland.

So without further ado...

Take it on the Run, Baby: Food Possibilities on Day One

Pittsburgh, PA

Pittsburgh will pop up approximately 3 hours into our drive. If we leave when I think we’ll probably leave (because I’m pretty sure I’m the only Morning Person on this trip), that’ll probably be around lunchtime.

Spice Island Tea House - I’ve never been to a tea house. That just seems cool.

Los Cabos SoCal Mex Food - The rice and beans are vegan, which Snarks will be into. The rest of it is not, which I am into.

Point Brugge Cafe - Belgian food. Which means there are frites, and I am all about the frites.

Nadine's - Atmosphere is reportedly dive-y, but I kind of dig dives.

Big Jim’s - This place has gloriously mixed reviews. It’s either awesome or terrible depending on who you ask, and I sort of want to go order a calzone and find out which it is.

Primanti Bros. Restaurant - Home of some epic-looking sandwiches.

Clearfield, PA

Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub  - Home of the World’s Largest Burgers. One of them is fifteen pounds, for heaven’s sake.

DuBois, PA

Dr. Doolittle’s Roadside Cafe and Creamery - Because it’s about time someone told the truth about the Amish, Bigfoot, and the dinosaurs.

Clarion, PA

This town is home to a large cow statue. I’m not sure there’s much purpose in stopping here, but just in case...

The County Seat Diner - They had me at “M&M Pancakes”

Toby Hill Bar and Grill - I love bar food. Reviewers claim this place has the best wings ever, and $1 drafts! $1!

Daddy’s Main St. - All made fresh with a daily-changing menu.

Strongsville, OH

My grandpa actually grew up in this suburb of Cleveland. It’s right on our path through Ohio, so maybe we’ll drop in. I feel like i should look for Slovak food around here, but...okay, truth be told, I’m not actually a huge fan of most Slovak food. Really I just want a Slovak bakery. Love me some roshky; not so much for halushky.

Sweet Mango Thai Cuisine - I can always get down on some Pad Thai

The Brew Kettle - Looks like a nice variety of pub grub.

La Kabob Lebanese Grill - I’m also always up for a kabob of virtually any kind, especially when pita is involved.

Donut Scene - An entire scene of nothing but donuts? Oh hell yes.

Toledo, OH

I cannot hear of Toledo, OH without thinking of Klinger from MASH. I realize I’m too young to be a MASH fan, but it used to come on between Animaniacs and Star Trek: TNG when I was a kid. Anyway, as such, I automatically want to eat at Beirut.

Grumpy’s - A sandwich shop, but apparently one with incredible character and delicious food.

Beirut - Lebanese! And the hummus is reportedly to die for.

Ottawa Tavern - If we’re crashing in Toledo, we’re gonna need a bar. This one’s atmosphere is described as “hipster” but reviews also say they have the best bar food in town.

Breaking the trip

After some discussion and weighing of options, we've settled on the northern route. It has the highest quantity of ridiculous things to do and see, and we all agree that Nebraska is boring. (Sorry Nebraska. I'm sure you're a lovely place to live, but you look like hell to drive through.)

So, assuming the rest of Team America: Road Police agrees, I'm thinking we break the trip up as follows:

Day One: Leesburg, VA to Toledo, OH
(approximately 7 hours driving time)

Day Two: Toledo, OH to Wisconsin Dells, WI
(approximately 7 hours driving time)

Day Three: Wisconsin Dells, WI to Bismarck, ND
(approximately 9 hours driving time)

Day Four: Bismarck, ND to Butte, MT
(approximately 9 hours driving time)

Day Five: Butte, MT to Portland, OR
(approximately 10 hours driving time)

Ordinarily, I think I would try to front-load the driving time and take longer in the earlier days, before we get tired of driving. However, Jamie and a bunch of wacky attractions are in Wisconsin Dells, so I want to hit there when we can actually spend a little bit of time. This also puts our longest haul on the day when we will be "home" - which means guaranteed place to stay, food to eat, etc. As long as we get up early in Butte, we can be in Portland in time for dinner.

Pack Light

"Well, at least you packed light!"

That is the phrase I hear every time someone sees my luggage for the first time. They are invariably being sarcastic.

I'm the sort of person who loathes being unprepared because I loathe being uncomfortable. I can handle outright pain, but being uncomfortable (whether physically or socially) is just the worst. I can embrace abject misery, take a sort of masochistic joy in it. "Yes," I tell myself, "everything about this is terrible. This blistering heat and that person unjustly yelling at me and the horrible stabbing of my broken ankle are awful. I will dine out on this story for years."

Discomfort gives me none of the satisfaction of having endured suffering or telling the elaborate tale of said suffering. No one leads off at a party with, "I have to tell you about the time my shoe rubbed a blister on my heel and I had to listen to country radio for a whole half hour." No one looks back at the time she was bitten by at least three separate mosquitoes while being underdressed for the company and thinks, "Ah, what a worthy foe I have overcome." There's no fun in discomfort like there can be in pain.

The best way to avoid discomfort while away from home is to be relentlessly, perfectly prepared. That requires a lot of things, and they do not all fit into one bag the size of a border collie. Emergency snacks of both the sweet and salty variety. Clothes and shoes for entering nice restaurants with one's head held high. Clothes and shoes for hiking over rough terrain, should adventure be called for. Tops for every kind of weather. Regular clothes. Extra underwear. Umbrella. Caffeine. The beloved flannel blanket I've slept with in some variation since I was a tiny little girl. Music player, phone, laptop, and associated chargers. Pajamas for too-cold or too-warm hotel rooms. Makeup for every day. Makeup in case I need to look cool. A detailed plan for every day (with spontaneity scheduled in). Directions. Maps. Reading material. Nail clippers. I may not need all of these things, but I might need some of them, and what if I decide not to pack them and then I do need them? I could end up uncomfortable, and I hate that.

My boyfriend, Zach, will leave town for a week with his friends carrying three t-shirts, three pairs of boxers, two pairs of socks, and no soap or toothbrush because, and I quote, "I'm not trying to have sex with any of them." He can be comfortable nearly anywhere. My father is like that, too - more dedicated to brushing his teeth than Zach is, but he can fall in with a group of people and never once worry about what they think of him. It seems to come from a kind of fearlessness, a general confidence that yes, what I am doing is right and proper and should some silly person decide to judge me for that it will affect me not at all.

I'm going to try to capture a little of that spirit on the adventure. Some things (snacks and my blanket, for instance) are non-negotiable. But I can take a little less makeup this time, and maybe the laptop can stay home. I can take just one jacket, and don't worry about if it matches the outfit or not. Trust that everything's going to work out. Pack light.

...but I'm still going to plan the shit out of it. My trust only goes so far.

The last bout

Today, Kate (AKA Snarky Brewster) and I are playing our last bout together.

Actually, she's bench-coaching. She wrecked her shoulder at a mixer three months ago and she's been off skates ever since.

Snarky and Mr. Brewster, kickin' it at the ED.

I remember when I first started with NOVA Roller Derby. I barely knew Snarky then - she was just the sister-in-law of my band's bass player. I'd been off skates for two years at that point, too busy and broke to keep up the habit while I was finishing graduate school. Though she could barely skate at all, she joined NRD before I did. She heard from Emily that I used to play derby, and so she convinced me to come out to a practice.

I was nervous. I hadn't skated in a couple years, and I didn't know that the league had only been together for a few months. For all I knew, they were all awesome and I was going to look like an idiot. As it turned out, I was fine.

The first practice I skated with NOVA was at an outdoor hockey rink that was only slightly less crappy than the one my league back home had skated on. As I started getting my wheels back under me, I did a few laps with Snarky. She promptly fell and, in a wild attempt to catch herself, grabbed my boobs. Both of them. At once.

Derby has always been a major part of our relationship. We talk about lineups, bicker about league policy issues, and gossip about derby people (and to whoever's reading this going "gossip is bad! it's toxic to leagues! you're a terrible derby girl!": don't even act like you don't do it, too. Tell me you don't gossip with at least one close friend, and I will call you a liar right to your face.) We talk strategy, bout makeup, sports bras, "to Spanx or not to Spanx," and go out to win the after party.

Derby will probably be where I miss Snarks the most. I have other friends there, other good friends, even, but as much as I love them, there's nobody quite like her. All the gossip will be going one way now, from me to her, and anybody she talks to me about will be somebody new who I don't know. She won't know this next Fresh Meat class; soon I won't be able to run lineups by her anymore, because she won't know the players. On the up side, however, since she won't be affected by league policy issues anymore, she pretty much has to respond to any of my complaints with "you're right, and all those other people are stupid."

Note to self: drinking at the after party tonight will only end in tears. Stick to water.