Route C: Rib Country

This is a slightly different route through the Midwest, staying on I-70 a little longer. The major point in its favor, for me, is that it goes through St. Louis and Kansas City. There are few things that I love as much as I love barbeque. No, this is not the barbeque I grew up with - I'm from Eastern NC, and I love pulled pork in a vinegar based sauce, accompanied by slaw and hush puppies, like nobody's business. But seriously, I don't care where you're from, if you eat meat, how could you not be into this?

This will not be a powerful lure for my vegan best friend. I have a feeling I'll just be dreaming of ribs and replacing them with steaks in Nebraska or Montana. In the meantime, here's the rest of the case for this path westward.

Route Option C: I-70, I-80, and I-84 - Rib Country

 

 States

Virginia, Maryland,  Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Missouri, Nebraska, Wyoming, Utah, Idaho, Oregon

Cities

Wheeling, Columbus, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Kansas City, Lincoln, Cheyenne, Laramie, Salt Lake City, Boise

Attractions

Pennsylvania is exactly the same as in Routes A and B. Things don't start to get interesting until... 

Ohio

Toy and Plastic Brick Museum (Bellair, OH) – world’s largest private collection of LEGO. I assume they can't call it the LEGO Museum because copyright.

Mudgett’s Monument to Ohio/Flea Market (Zanesville, OH) – A guy who makes headstones made an Ohio Monument and placed it next to his flea market. Reviews claim that it really captures the spirit of Ohio.

Hartman’s Rock Garden (Springfield, OH) – Tons of little buildings and things made out of rocks. The displays change regularly.

Foy’s Halloween Stores (Fairborn, OH) – cluster of Halloween stores (Adult costume shop, Kids costume shop, haunted house prop shop)

Big Twig Maze Sculpture Thing (Dayton, OH) – giant twig sculpture called “A Wiggle in Its Walk." You can walk all around and under it.

Foot Print Rock (Gettysburg, OH) – It’s a rock with a footprint in it. People who have stepped in it claim to have gone BACK IN TIME.

Indiana

World’s Largest Candle (Centerville, IN)

Gravity Hill (Mooresville, IN) – put your car in neutral and go BACKWARD, UP the hill

House of Bells (Cloverdale, IN) – “Bells fill the front yard -- but this place is much more than just bells. There are huge battleship chains, buckets that you can swing in, traps to catch 50-foot-tall bears, and Paul Bunyan's ax." I'm so glad someone is prepared to handle the 50 Foot Bear Invasion.

Illinois

World’s Largest Wind Chime (Casey, IL)

World’s Largest Cross (Effingham, IL)

Teepees, Buffalo, Pumpkin, and Souvenir Shop (St. Elmo, IL) – buffalo and pumpkin statues, and teepees, and a giant souvenir shop. Helloooooooo tourist trap!

Kaskaskia Dragon (Vandalia, IL) – metal dragon sculpture, breathes flame for quarters. Actual flames!

Missouri

Giant Concrete Turtle Park (St. Louis, MO) It's a park. With, um...giant concrete turtles. At least for once it's not fiberglass?

Dan’s Emerald Forest (Overland, MO) – miniature town hand-crafted by Dan

Ozarkland (Kingdom City, MO) – gift shop/tourist trap of 50s/60s kitsch and hillbilly souvenirs

Nostalgiaville USA (Kingdom City, MO) – another gift shop/parade of kitsch

City block of Giant Books (Kansas City, MO) - 22 book spines, 25 feet high, held in place by two glass elevator bookends. It's a parking garage.

Castle Northmoor (Kansas City, MO) – Giant stone tower built by a crazy person

Jesse James Home (St. Joseph, MO) – The house where Jesse James was shot and killed

Glore Psychiatric Museum (St. Joseph, MO) - Ribs might not be a strong lure for Kate, but this definitely would be.

Nebraska, Wyoming, Utah, and Idaho are all the same as in Route A.  

So there we have it. All the feasible options. I will now await feedback from my travel companions on which one they think is the best idea. Then comes the next part of the fun: finding the best food and bars along the way.

Route B: North by Northwest

The second path up for consideration in our cross-country journey is the far northern option. Parts of it would be impossible (or at least inadvisable) in winter, but in mid-September it ought to be lovely. This route also carries the bonus of bringing us right by my friend Jamie in Wisconsin, whom I only get to see about once a year if we're lucky. It also contains an absolute wealth of bizarre attractions. Down side: those attractions are reaaaaaaallllllly far apart in Montana.

Route B: I-70, I-90, and I-94 - North by Northwest

States

Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, North Dakota, Montana, Washington, Oregon

Cities

Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Toledo, Gary, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, Fargo, Bismarck, Billings, Butte, Spokane

Attractions

Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Indiana are all the same as Route A. I-70 is pretty much the way to get out of Virginia going to the northwest.

Illinois

Weber Grill Restaurant/Giant Weber Grill (Schaumburg, IL) - There are apparently tons of giant Weber grills, but this one is the official giant Weber grill.

Sock Monkey Museum (Rockford, IL) – Not only does it contain loads of Sock Monkey things, but it also celebrates the Rockford Peaches, whom you may remember as Kit and Dottie's baseball team in A League of Their Own. That's reason enough to go all by itself.

Wisconsin

Two Story Outhouse (Janesville, WI) – possibly used by Abraham Lincoln. He stayed at the house the Two Story Outhouse is attached to, and it stands to reason that he probably had to poop sometime while he was there.

Bessie the Cow (Janesville, WI) – giant fiberglass cow. I told you there were a bunch of giant fiberglass cows, didn't I?

Ella’s Animatronic Deli (Madison, WI) - A reportedly good deli and bakery, coincidentally filled with various whirring, spinning, and squawking animatronic thingies.

Mouse House Cheesehaus (Windsor, WI) – notable for the giant mouse nibbling a proportionately large block of cheese

Pink Elephant (DeForest, WI) – life-sized pink elephant wearing glasses. Big black hipster glasses.

World’s Largest Flamingo (Wisconsin Dells, WI) – at the Flamingo Hotel. Does not, sadly, have big black hipster glasses.

Fiberglass Graveyard Riding Stable (Wisconsin Dells, WI) – Ride your horse through a landscape of abandoned fiberglass attractions from the Dells.

Upside Down White House (Wisconsin Dells, WI) – exactly what it sounds like. I'm told there are many Upside Down White Houses, but this one is supposed to be both the biggest and the best.

Wisconsin Cranberry Discovery Center (Warrens, WI) – “Displays the contents of Cranberry Expo, an earlier cranberry discovery attraction. Ice cream parlor serves six flavors of cranberry ice cream.” There is also a bakery featuring cranberry muffins, cranberry bread, and cranberry salsa. If we can order a vodka-cranberry there, we may have to crash for the night.

Dead Mailmen Haunted Castle (Elk Mound, WI) – “Mound Hill Park Castle is a 3-story observation tower built in 1937, later dedicated as a memorial to Dunn County postal employees...and said to be haunted.” I keep calling it the Dead Milkmen castle in my head, though.

Wisconsin’s Finest Taxidermy and Cheese Shop (Hudson, WI) – Or so the sign on the trailer says, anyway.

Minnesota

Continental Divide Marker (Fergus Falls, MN) - and I guess that's cool.

40 Foot Otter (Fergus Falls, MN) – there’s also a giant goose

13 foot Prairie Chicken (Rothsay, MN) - "Blooming" Prairie Chicken, to be exact. That is apparently a big deal.

Viking Ship Replica (Moorhead, MN) - YAAAARRRRR!!!!

North Dakota

World’s Largest Buffalo (Jamestown, ND)

World’s Largest Sandhill Crane (Steele, ND) – the bird, not the equipment. 40 ft. high

World’s Largest Holstein Cow (New Salem, ND) - I like how they get specific about breed so it stands out from the other giant cows.

Montana

Glendisaurus (Glendive, MT) – Big statue of a triceratops

Pompey’s Pillar (Worden, MT) – 150 ft sandstone butte

Bar with Two-Headed Calf (Columbus, MT) – New Atlas Bar. We like bars. I'm not necessarily so jazzed about the two-headed calf part, but Kate and Pat will be.

Mysterious Ringing Rocks (Pipestone, MT) – Hit the rocks and they ring like bells. Includes warning to “watch for bears." Danger Zone!!

Our Lady of the Rockies (Butte, MT) – 90 ft. Virgin Mary. We'll probably just have to see this from the road - actually getting to her is a pretty extensive hike to be taking in the middle of a journey of this length.

Historic Dumas Brothel Museum (Butte, MT) - now under new ownership!

World Famous 50,000 Silver Dollar Bar (Haugan, MT) – the walls of the bar are lined with silver dollars. That's cool. And...ya know, bar.

Idaho

Scrap Metal Sculptures (Kellogg, ID) – rumor has it they’re whimsical

Washington

Marvin Carr’s One of A Kind in the World Museum (Spokane, WA) – Marvin Carr is apparently a consummate collector of the unusual. Might be nice for one last stop before arrival. 

Tomorrow, the third and final route: Rib Country.

Route A: Straight Through the Middle

I have decided that instead of wallowing in sadness and Snickers, I am going to focus on the great adventure. Nay, the Greatest Adventure.

We want to do the drive in 5 days, which gives us time for stopping at random attractions, sampling local cuisine, and taking karaoke breaks. So with a little help from Google Maps and Roadside America, I started plotting potential paths from Leesburg, VA to Portland, OR.

Spoiler alert: there is some seriously weird shit between Leesburg, VA and Portland, OR.

I have three different options to work with. First up, I-70, I-80, and I-84: Straight Through The Middle.

  
States

Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Wyoming, Utah, Idaho, Oregon

Cities

Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Toledo, Gary, Iowa City, Des Moines, Omaha, Lincoln, Cheyenne, Laramie, Salt Lake City, Boise

Attractions

Pennsylvania 

So, we're only in Pennsylvania for, like, a minute. Nonetheless, there are some excellent opportunities. Such as:

World’s Largest Hamburgers (Clearfield, PA)

Dr. Doolittle’s Roadside Café and Creamery (DuBois, PA): “History books gloss over the brief period when dinosaurs were enslaved by the Amish in partnership with Bigfoot. Lasers were involved. Statues at this cafe/ice cream parlor and mini-golf reveal the truth!”

Large Cow Statue (Clarion, PA): This is just one of the many giant statues of cows that I discovered listed among America's roadside attractions. 

Ohio

Miracle Virgin Mary (Campbell, OH) – Virgin Mary on top of St. Joseph the Provider Church’s eyes glow at sunset. This is either a miracle, or possibly just sunset.

Indiana

RV Museum and Hall of Fame (Elkhart, IN) - Also an RV park, of course.

Belle “Husband Killer” Gunness exhibit (LaPorte, IN) – at the LaPorte Historical Society Museum

Live Gospel Music McDonalds (Hammond, IN) - They have a stage for local performers, and gospel groups are there a few days a week.

Carmelite Shrines (Munster, IN) – Includes a blacklight rendition of the Apocalypse (Open only on Sunday)

Illinois

There's basically nothing of interest in the little bit of Illinois we'd go through. Illinois: Wasteland of No Fun.

Iowa

Giant Mother Goose (Davenport, IA) – all that remains of Mother Goose Land. It's basically just a fiberglass statue, but a lot of this shit is just fiberglass statues.

Castle Hall (Wallcott, IA) – weird-looking replica of Scotland's Balmoral Castle. It seems to have vinyl siding on the bottom now.

World’s Largest Truck Stop/Trucking Museum (Wallcott, IA)

World’s Largest Wooden Nickel (Iowa City, IA)

The Black Angel (Iowa City, IA) – Cursed grave marker! Or maybe just a bronze statue that's been out for a while. But let's go with Dramatically Accurs'd.

Wagon Wheel Tower (Lynnville, IA) – giant welded wagon wheel sculpture!

Train Robbery Monument (Adair, IA) – features actual tracks cut by Jesse James to rob the train!

Volkswagen Beetle Spider (Avoca, IA) – It’s a giant spider with a VW for a body. Sorta what you'd expect from the name.

Black Squirrel Capital of the World (Council Bluffs, IA) - what an odd claim to fame.

Nebraska

El Sitio chrome sculptures (Lincoln, NE) – Mexican restaurant has chrome sculptures of insects and spaceships. Honestly, I'm mostly just interested in fajitas. The statues are incidental.

National Museum of Roller Skating (Lincoln, NE) – in back of the USARS headquarters offices. We're roller derby girls. We would kinda have to stop there.

Rooster Statue, Piano Requests (Lincoln, NE) – “A large crowing rooster statue atop a pole outside of a fried chicken restaurant that features a live piano player.”

Dinosaur Museum (Milford, NE): Apparently they have tons of dinosaur bones. And that's cool, right?

World’s Largest Covered Wagon (Milford, NE)

Marble Museum (York, NE) – Marbles like the toys, not like the floors

World’s Largest Plow/Sod House Museum (Gothenburg, NE)

Ole’s Big Game Steakhouse and Lounge/Ole’s Big Game Bar (Paxton, NE) – Great big taxidermy!

Wyoming

Big Statue of the Virgin Mary (Pine Bluffs, WY): There are almost as many BVMs as there are fiberglass statues in the wide world of roadside wackiness.

Buryville (Cheyenne, WY) – outrageous collection of metal art

World’s Largest Gas Station (Little America, WY) – home to a stuffed penguin. That's stuffed as in taxidermy, not as in plush. His name is Emperor. He was supposed to be a live mascot, but it didn't work out.

Smallest Town in America (Buford, WY) – 1 house, 1 gas station. Population: 1

Wyoming Frontier Prison Museum (Rawlins, WY) - Word has it that it's creepy.

Shoes made from Big Nose George (Rawlins, WY) – They are shoes made from the skin of a horse-thief.

Utah

Fun is illegal in Utah.

Idaho

Niagara of the West (Twin Falls, ID) – waterfalls!

My father the geography and roadway guru thinks this is our best option. He declared it "the most direct and yet scenic, too." I think he may be overestimating the scenic qualities of Nebraska, but I do have to admit that he has been there and I have not. 

Tomorrow, Route B: I-70, I-94, and I-90, or North by Northwest. 

Instead of drowning my sorrows, I bury them in candy.

The past few days since Kate let me know she was leaving, I've been in a funk. It's not a terrible dark swamp of depression, but there is definitely that urge to just lie in bed and eat candy rather than actually doing anything.

It's not like she's dying, I remind myself. She'll still be around for phone calls and IMs and facebook and Skype. But it's not the same, and I know it, and I still feel a sense of loss.

I never had a proper Best Friend before I met Kate. Throughout school and even after, I always envied those girls with the matching necklaces and the shared giggles and the absolute knowledge of who their Maid of Honor was going to be when they got married. They had someone to call with any problem, someone they could always hang out with, someone to have fights and make up with, and oh baby did I want that.

The thing is, I'm not good at making friends. I'm socially awkward, but not in that cute, sweet way where people want to come up and talk to you because you're just so gosh-darn adorably quiet. My anxiety and nerves turn into a loud, opinionated performance, coupled with a wariness of initiating conversation with strangers and a difficulty making small talk that generally comes off as coldness and disinterest. Even once I know people, I have this lingering fear that any moment, the situation will turn on a dime and they won't like me anymore. There's that point, you know, where you're supposed to get closer to people or you decide to keep them just a casual friend. You've met, you've hung out in groups a few times, and if you're going to become real close friends with them, you have to spend some one-on-one time. Well, I never seem to succeed at making that jump.

Kate made that jump for me. I was 29 when I met her, and had already figured that I was going to die without ever having a Best Friend. That dream had died when the last really close friend married my ex-boyfriend and I wasn't invited to the wedding. But then came Kate, with her fearless approach to conversation and her outrageous outfits and her unsinkable belief that we were about to have The Most Fun. Suddenly I had this person who I could talk to about makeup, and feminism, and instructional technology, and roller derby, and RuPaul's Drag Race, and all the scandalous shit people we knew were up to. We went tubing and went to bars in the middle of the day and discussed how the importance of proper skin care really couldn't be overstated.

And somehow, we started talking about real things. Our relationships, our insecurities, our worries, our anger and our pain and all the other stuff that generally speaking I Just Don't Talk About. She became the person I called when I felt like my life was falling apart, and vice versa.

I know I can still call her, and I will. We'll still talk. We'll still be best friends. It's just that now when I've had a few too many at karaoke night and someone sings "Fire and Rain," I'm going to be crying alone instead of with her. No one else will ever be as excited to go to the Mellow Mushroom. No one else hates all the same people I do.

I'm going to miss her.

The beginning

My best friend called on Monday to give me the news: She's moving to Portland, Oregon.

It's a great opportunity for her. She's going to an awesome job in a fun, beautiful city. Her brother lives there, and she can get all the vegan food she can stand. They're even paying for her relocation! I'm really happy for her, honestly.

It's just that now my best friend is going to be living on the other side of the country. That part sucks.

There's an up side, though: we get to have one more fabulous adventure before our relationship is reduced to phone calls and Skype for an indeterminate amount of time: I'm joining her on the cross-country drive.

The plan: Leesburg, VA to Portland, OR in five days. Her husband and her brother will be driving the moving truck/towing her husband's truck. She and I will be in her car with her three beagles. (No, her car is definitely not big enough for two women, three beagles, and their stuff.)

The trip will be awesome. We will laugh and we will cry. Our playlists will be amazing. We will stop for karaoke. Sights will be seen and state lines will be crossed. Local food will be sampled and enjoyed. And at the end, I'll fly home alone.